Experiencing a Layoff- the Reality of it all
There are many things in your career you anticipate encountering, but a layoff is often not one of them. I’ve been on the company side of delivering unfortunate news to employees, for decisions made at the top, ones I didn’t agree with. I know what the planning looks like, what the range of activities are and what the vibe in the office is while it’s happening. It’s not pretty. I know what those impacted looked like, how some look and sound defeated, while others are confused, angry or numb. I never expected to one day be on the receiving end of that experience. It’s true, we tend to think bad things happen to others, but not us. The truth is none of us are impervious to this. But today, exactly a year and a day after personally experiencing this, I can tell you exactly what that experience is. My hope is that by sharing this, we can start to gain a better understanding and empathy for those around us who are experiencing this cataclysmic event. Most of all, I hope we can do a better job of recognizing what they’re going through and providing support where needed. And by the way, it is personal, so never say that it isn’t.
THE RANGE OF EMOTIONS
Shock
One of the first things I felt when the rehearsed sentence of “your job has been eliminated” was spoken out by my direct manager was shock, as in the pain of a bucket of ice-cold water dumped on you. I knew there was a big possibility that I too would be impacted by the layoff, since I was aware of the exercise to reduce staff due to the large outsourcing activity that was being planned. Heck I was on the inside, working hand in hand with leadership to research, plan and execute the activities in that effort, and not by choice. I was made aware a year in advance of my own team being heavily impacted, whole departments being eliminated. And so I cooperated. Yet I still felt confused and surprised, when I shouldn’t have since it was a somewhat logical conclusion that I’d be also in that mix.
Fear
Next came fear, on multiple levels. My head spun with questions, how is this going to impact me financially? What will that do to my family? How about my healthcare, since it’s through my company, how will I ensure my family is taken care of and what will that now cost us? What will this do to my ability to get my next job? Not having a job immediately makes you vulnerable, almost seen as a second-class citizen, cast into a different “bucket” of candidates. The fear is real, I can assure you.
Shame
Following the fear, and all the unanswered questions in my head, was shame. Feeling marginalized, diminished, as in “eliminated” never feels good. I felt the shame of that, having to share this news with my inner circle, one by one, and having the stigma of “under-performance” associated with me as a real possibility was a gut punch. Despite having been a top performer, promoted and applauded in my organization and earning a solid reputation as a change agent/transformative leader in the service management world, I still had this feeling that I couldn’t shake.
Fatigue
I recall sitting in my remote home office and feeling so heavy. It’s as if someone tied a 200 lb. weight to each leg, and I could barely lift them enough to walk. My neck and shoulders hurt, and my head was throbbing. I’m not a person to experience dizzy spells or faint, but this is one time in my life I felt it was hard to breathe freely. I would have to climb up 20 steps to get to my bedroom, to share the news with my husband. Sitting in my office chair, it took me 5 minutes, sitting in a daze, to finally muster the strength to make the climb.
Processing and Taking Action
Once the newness of the news wore off, and I’d received ample emotional support through good listening and long hugs, I had to take a step back and process this calmly. It was just day 2 of the news and I already knew it was “going to be ok” like everyone said. What I told myself: 1) You’re alive, 2) You’re healthy, physically and mentally, 3) You’re immensely strong spiritually, 4) You’re financially secure, and 5) you have a strong support system. And the last thing I reconciled is my strong ability to solve problems and apply creative genius in doing so. Hence the pressure valve was relieved with just a simple shift in thought. You see when you first feel the ground falls out from under you and you’re unstable, you’re not sure when you will be grounded again. But then you find your legs and feel the ground, and it isn’t shaking anymore. You can stand still, or you can walk, but you’re not fallen…you’re not crawling on the floor, you’re standing tall and straight (at some point.)
Since this all happened around November, holiday timeframe, it was a much slower time in the job market. I gave myself grace and decided not to pressure myself into jump-starting a job search. Better to be in flow when everyone else is. It was also good to take some down time, after 30 years of being in the workforce non-stop, only taking 2 leaves for baby delivery/infant care. I always considered myself to be self-motivated, highly engaged, but not a workaholic. I just loved working with great teams and passionately led the charge to change and transform organizations. It was fulfilling to do that, so I poured my energy into it with no regret.
Healing
Until I started writing this, I hadn’t really thought of that layoff experience as an injury, causing a wound. Now I can see how it was certainly a wound that I had to recover from. But for me I’m happy to report it was a surface wound, not a deep wound. Once I was able to spend time getting clarity on the situation, I could separate myself and self-worth from the action. I knew that I had added value, brought years of strong performance and results to that institution and countless others. In the end, it was about the journey that I was on while there, the many people I’d worked closely with, the challenges I’d encountered and overcome, and the legacy of leadership I left behind in the teams I built. Instead of thinking of the negative situation, I began feeling proud of accomplishments I’d had, and the amazing people I’d led and how they’d grown. I loved spending time and growing with them, and that filled my heart with joy.
THE FORK IN THE ROAD
With every morning, I sat quietly on my white living room sofa, drinking coffee from my “Courage” mug, laptop and phone with me, I grew in recognition of one major thing, I’d been “unshackled” from corporate, and given a huge opportunity to explore unchartered territory. Sometimes things happen in unexpected ways to catapult you into action, into a world you didn’t anticipate experiencing. I knew that having some severance money was a temporary “safety net” and that I would have to take action after the holidays. I recall closing my eyes and sitting in silence, seeing myself at a fork in the road. To the right loomed a concrete road, another corporate role, likely in senior leadership or the C-suite, with all the typical responsibilities, mission, vision, goals, and yes, bureaucracy and politics. But to the left, was a dirt road, windy and uncertain. Its destination is not certain, nor is the experience, except that it is full of possibility and excitement. That road to the left was entrepreneurship- going into my own business. I recall someone checking in on me and asking me the question if I’d considered going into consulting, even for a temporary period. The thought of that was very far removed, mostly because of all of the unknowns. It’s not that I wasn’t a risk taker, quite the opposite, I take calculated risks all the time, but not reckless ones. But being finally untethered from a company, with no next role/company ahead gave me a chance to reassess my stance, to truly re-evaluate it. And suddenly, instead of asking myself “why?”, I asked “why not???” And nothing changes you more than flipping into the unknown and seeing it with optimism.
Opportunity
I recall the exact moment that I decided to take the path less traveled. January 2nd, the first business day of the year, sitting once again on my couch, everyone in my household off to work, and silence. The Why Not question had no good answer. For all the realizations I shared before, I was certainly capable, so long as my mind was engaged. In my heart I do believe there’s nothing you can do if you set your mind to it. “Whatever you believe, you can achieve” and as someone famous said, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re always right.” As I came to the steady conclusion that I was destined for more than I had achieved, I began filling up with excitement. My brain raced with all sorts of thoughts and my heart experienced a wide range of emotions. I’ve never been one to fear starting something new, nor someone big on hesitation, so once the decision was made, I was locked and loaded into the action. The rest of the journey to starting Norvana is history.
THE LESSON
This has been a long story. It’s one I hesitated to share so openly. It has taken a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability to share it this way. I have done so for some time, but in private. In this past year in particular, I have been supporting many colleagues who have faced similar outcomes, been going through their own range of emotions and trying to move past them. Everyone experiences a layoff in their own way. Just like a termination, just like any hostile, unanticipated event, you go through hardship, but then you heal. I’ve learned many lesson from this, and I am genuinely grateful for the experience. It taught me first-hand what it feels like to be on the receiving end, and not on the delivery side of a layoff. It taught me the range of what a person experiences, and how it affects them. But most of all, it taught me about inner strength, perseverance, and the importance of a strong support system around you.
We are not alone, though sometimes we may feel lonely. Hard things are meant to be hard, and failures refine us, they don’t define us. The important thing is to keep learning, to keep building, and to see the world with hopeful and optimistic eyes. Lastly, remembering that we are human, and that we need one another, and that we have strength beyond what we think we have is key. I hope in my sharing this experience, it may open your eyes to how this type of event impacts others, and if there is someone in your circle that has also been impacted, they may need you as part of their support system. So go be that!
